I never really understood the gravity of my actions that could be deemed as “self-destructive”. I was aware of the consequences, yes, but not the depth of them. I acknowledged and accepted those consequences, but I lacked the understanding of their effects on myself and other people. Drinking liquor when I’m on medications, being passive even though I’m being mentally and emotionally assaulted, isolating myself when I should be with people, dissociating, and other unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Growing up undiagnosed and without access to mental health care and support, I’ve learned and developed - even nurtured - these coping mechanisms. I am still in the ever-evolving, never-ending process of unlearning these ways to cope, even though I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder for over half a decade now. And if it wasn’t for the causality of an incident, incidents rather, that made me realize, and then finally fully understand the weight of my self-destructive behaviour, I wouldn’t have gotten my life back on the right track. I wouldn’t have had the epiphany I had in the psychiatric ward that I have got to take my own mental health care even more seriously. I stepped up.

Two years ago, I was committed to a hospital’s psychiatric ward for an overdose, a suicide attempt. It was the second attempt in less than 48 hours. On the first night, I remember not really wanting to die - I just wanted the feeling of absolute loneliness and the void in my chest to cease to exist. I was awash with a sense of desperation that I lost control of, effectively allowing the depression to fully take over every fibre of my being. The reason for the second attempt was, for a long while, a question mark that bothered me. My psychiatrist later posited that it was the effect of the Alprazolam I overdosed on the night before wearing off, plunging my mood to dangerous levels.

I woke up from that second overdose, in my bed, with immediate regret hanging over my head. Hours later, I was in the hospital emergency room. And half a day later, despite being told that I was to be transferred to a private room, I found myself in a bed being wheeled into the blue double doors of that hospital’s psych ward. It was the dead of the night and at that moment, I realized that it was what needed to happen, that I needed to be there. I didn’t fight my fate, nor did I have any misgivings on what may happen when I get out. It wasn’t resignation, mind you, but an acceptance and understanding that, yes, I needed help. That I need help. And I’ll always need help.

While I was in the psych ward, there was a sense of feeling that I belonged there. I was surrounded by people with similar conditions and backstories that, I will admit, piqued my near-obsessive interest in psychology and the human condition. In hindsight, it also appealed to my preference for structure and a stable ecosystem that I didn’t have in my life. That feeling of belonging inside there lasted for a long time, and I had to train my thoughts to rest in the uneasy comfort that I belonged out here in the world. Despite the comfort and solace that I found in the structure and stability of the ward, which in itself is its own world, I had to reassure myself that my place is in this world where I am now. I had to remind myself that I can learn to take care of my mental health much better out here.

That’s the ultimate lesson that I learned with my experience in the ward: that by completely understanding every action that I do and their effects on this world, and on every aspect of myself especially, I can tend to myself better.

Which means that I am one step closer to recovery.

"It wasn't resignation, mind you, but an acceptance and understanding that, yes, I needed help. That I need help. And I'll always need help." 

“Burnout is what happens when you try to avoid being human for too long.”

This quote from Michael Gungor’s book, ‘The Crowd, The Critic And The Muse: A Book For Creators’, encapsulates how debilitating burnout syndrome can be. 

Burnout syndrome describes a type of exhaustion that results from constant and severe mental, physical, and emotional stress. It can be the result of one or many factors, with workplace stress often cited as the key driver of burnout.

Burnout can lead to feelings of dejection, irritability, and dissatisfaction, to name just a few common symptoms. Put simply, it can end up making you feel like a shell of your former self.

We’d like to report otherwise, but burnout syndrome is unfortunately very common. 

According to research by FlexJobs, 75% of people have experienced burnout at some point in their careers. 

Needless to say, the COVID-19 pandemic has had a significant impact on mental health and wellbeing. A recent study by Indeed found that more than half (52%) of employees are feeling burned out, with more than two-thirds (67%) believing that the feeling worsened over the course of the pandemic. 

What Symptoms Should You Keep an Eye Out For?

Burnout can present itself in a number of ways, so it’s vital to keep a lookout for signs of it. According to the Mayo Clinic, key symptoms to be mindful of include:

Becoming irritable or impatient with your co-workers, customers, or clients

Lacking the energy to be consistently productive

Lacking satisfaction from your achievements

Using food, drugs, or alcohol to feel better or to simply not feel

Experiencing unexplained headaches, stomach issues, bowel problems, or other physical complaints

It’s important to note that the symptoms of burnout can appear similar to depression. So always get a proper diagnosis from your GP or mental health professional.

Hopefully, you’ve gone through the list of burnout symptoms above and reflected on whether they apply to you. If you find yourself nodding along, chances are you’re suffering from burnout. 

Should that be the case, listen up. This next step is critical: resist the temptation to ignore your symptoms. Not addressing your burnout will only make it worse. 

The good news is that there are many ways to tackle the problem head-on, such as:

Focusing on your self-care: One of the most powerful things you can do to nip burnout in the bud is to practice self-care. There are several ways to get started such as getting enough sleep, eating healthily, exercising daily, learning to say no, and scheduling regular self-care time.



Making use of employee assistance programs: If your company offers an employee assistance program (EAP), don’t be shy to give it a go. It can no doubt feel daunting to talk to a professional, especially if you’ve never done so before. But remember that’s precisely what they’re there for! 



Talking to someone you trust about it: Burnout can be an incredibly isolating experience. You may not wish to involve your friends and family, but distancing yourself from them will exacerbate the problem. Try discussing how you’re feeling with your loved ones, and feel the weight come off your shoulders. 



Letting your boss know: If work is a key reason for your burnout, it’s crucial to inform your boss about it. We know that this is easier said than done. But rest assured that most bosses will want to help out. If you’re struggling to come up with the words to approach yours, look to these best practices.

When things are good, they’re really good. My ‘To Do’ list is done with ease, leaving spare time for all my daily self-care needs and some; the creativity flows, I love to call up my friends and make tons of big plans. I enjoy it while it lasts, because I know that tomorrow, maybe next week, perhaps next month it will all come to an abrupt halt.

When it began, my mom had a hard time keeping up with my mood swings and just could not wrap her head around my behaviour. The way I could go my whole day, with my outgoing and cheery personality, to a meltdown locked in my room, smile not to be seen for another few days. All it took was one “wrong” direction that my mind didn’t agree with to send me over the edge and down my dark hole. 

After an incident that landed an agitatedly confused teenage me in the hospital, it was about time to look for help - mainly, countless trials with a variety of anti-depressive and anxiety medications. These efforts made little effect and no one knew exactly what we were supposed to be doing. My family didn’t even know how to relate to me, let alone how to help.

As I approached my 20s, I was exhausted with all the ups and downs. It was difficult to hold reliable relationships with anyone and workplaces. Do you tell someone you are unwell or let them find out for themselves? - introducing myself with “Hello potential new friend, before we proceed, how do you handle the unpredictable?”.  Even with those who did get to know me, it still made for difficult recovery from cancelled plans, ghosted messages and unpredictable downhill spirals. No one ever knew what to do when I went from 0 -10; Rightfully, shocked at how it came about or even possible for their bubbly friend to do this drastic 180.

Feeling defeated by what I viewed as a lack of control, I craved to experience something that felt like a normal life. At this point, I wanted nothing to do with the diagnoses and medications that once was the solution, now weighing me down. I really did try to make all the traditional methods work: be regular with your doctor, take your meds, exercise, have a routine, talk about your feelings. The thing is, these only worked when I was feeling good. What was I supposed to do when I wasn’t?

Since the modern medical approach wasn’t working for me, I figured to turn to the complete other side of health: Holistic health. I dove into books, buying rocks and scented oils with claimed “healing properties”, changing my gym membership for yoga, and the hardest one… meditation. You always hear “Meditate it’s good for you”; well they aren’t wrong. After numerous frustrating hours of fighting off my thoughts over many months, I found awareness in stillness. 

Now, I’m 24 -  4 years into my practice. It is a practice and always will be a practice. Mindfulness living is a continual learning of deepening your awareness of surroundings and the internal state of being in any given moment. I still have hectic highs and depressive lows, but now I can recognize it happening and take the steps to soften the crash and pull myself out of the rubbish.

"All it took was one "wrong" direction that my mind didn't agree with to send me over the edge and down my dark hole." 

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